Tips for Converting Romanists to Christianity

#1 To begin, make sure you target the lowest hanging fruit. Talking to a Catholic who knows anything about Catholicism, history, logic, or the Bible will only frustrate you. Your targets must already dislike the Catholic Church and prefer to live like Protestants.

#2 Once you’ve found the most uneducated and bitter Catholic possible, it’s to time to start grooming her to become your congregation’s next trophy convert. It’s important to realize that Catholics are brainwashed into thinking of their church as their “mother”. Begin your discussion by calling her mother the Whore of Babylon, Beast, or any word with a nasty ring to it. It doesn’t matter that you have no idea what you’re talking about; you simply need to say you’re a Bible expert and that she’s a duped moron who has been following traditions of men.

#3 As you know, Catholics believe in Universalism. You need to convince your target that the pope believes all Muslims go to heaven. Make it clear that all Muslims go to hell with no exception, just like he will unless he stops worshiping Mary!

#4 Never study Catholic beliefs, but it’s OK if you read stupid books by stupid people. Reading decent books might jeopardize your ability to clearly present your infallible private interpretation of the Bible. Be careful; Catholics have a satanic version of the Bible.

#5 True Christian apologetics is all about asking non-believers questions about their beliefs and then ignoring their answers. If a Catholic decides to play ring-around-the-rosies with your insincere questions, just pretend she said nothing and then tell her that she shouldn’t call any man “Father”. Perhaps even prove your intelligence and biblical mastery by asking her, “Where does the word ‘pope’ appear in the Bible?” This is important; if you ask her that, make sure you have a pompous smirk on your face.

#6 Many Catholics aren’t even aware that they worship idols. Some even think Mary is a God! Emphatically proclaim your suspicion as fact and tell them they’re going to hell.

#7 Remember, Catholics are very illogical. It might be difficult to teach them that “Bible-only” Christianity is even possible, not circular, makes any sense, or is even supported within the “Bible only”; it’s probably best you don’t even try. However, if you do try to help remove the scales from her eyes, just keep on repeating 2 Timothy 3:16 to yourself.

#8 If your target ever mentions the name “Mary”, act really confused and blurt out “All have sinned!” (Remember to flail your arms.) True Bible Christians know Romans 3:23 is not hyperbole because we know Jesus sinned, that mentally-challenged people sin, that infants sin, and that aborted babies sin. Seriously, Catholics are so dumb.

#9 If your target ever says “Pope”, immediately interrupt and tell her that Paul confronted Peter. This proves without a doubt that Paul was the best Apostle ever, and that Peter was not chosen as steward of the Church, as prime minister of Christ’s Davidic kingdom. If time permits, call her a papist.

#10 Catholicism is based entirely on tradition and Catholics don’t even read the Bible. If your target starts quoting Scripture, just say her words are hogwash and illogical, or that she doesn’t understand the context. Use words that you yourself don’t even understand like “hermeneutics”, “exegesis”, and “Bible”. Doing so will give our new religion an aura of sophistication.

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1 Response to Tips for Converting Romanists to Christianity

  1. This is pretty hilarious! I enjoyed it a lot. I may have to steal the idea to do one in a similar vein about atheism rather than Roman Catholicism.

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